Over the top
Sunday, May 23, 2010
The good news is that in a few years we will be able to eliminate whatever education we have still left here and drown all the teachers so that this vice does not spread ever again. A little over a week back, Prime Minister Gilani blazed a new path for the nation when campaigning for our new national hero, Jamshaid Dasti (most babies are now named after him) in Muzaffargarh. He thundered that mere education was nothing as compared to the voice of the people.
Dasti being the shining example of that, we can now simply supplicate ourselves and burn our degrees unless these were claimed fraudulently in which case they are kosher in
There has been a suggestion that Dasti should be asked to take over as minister for education and personally, this is just about the best news I have heard since Chuadhry Shujaat returned my buffalo he mistakenly took as his own. With Dasti taking care of education, we can fast forward to a time when no one will be able to read and write here – this has always been the agenda of all who have ruled here, in or out of uniform, and explains why the molasses industry has done far better than all the schools, colleges, universities and institutes we have allowed to grow like warts on our fair face.
Rumours that Dasti is unable to multiply two by two are lies because he is pretty good at tables of one. After that tables of two are a piece of cake as we all know. We also know that all the doctors here are not doctors and frankly why should they be? Ask the prime minister and he will give you a perfectly good explanation for that. Mr Babar Awan for example has a doctorate from a university called
Another doctor – some wags said he was a quack though many of us felt that was rather an insulting thing to say about quacks – was at a university that apparently cannot issue degrees for love or money but the good and learned doctor who transmits heavenly cures for the afflicted of this nation from one of those infernal channels, has plunged ahead making tons of money and selling balms to soothe the tortured souls of the country.
The president cannot remember where he went to study but it wasn't
This may also explain that all skippers since Imran lifted the World Cup in 1864, are unable to speak without the standard 'first of all thanks be to Almighty Allah and the boys who is work hard.' Mercifully Ramiz Raja stopped Umar Akmal short by resorting to Urdu. He should have done the same for Al Afridi, who, as skipper, has the same chances of success as the Titanic when it hit the iceberg.
I wonder what the hockey players do when accosted by a mike. Probably call it a carrot. Will the team play better once they are educated? Probably yes because they will be able to read and understand that cricket is not only played on the ground but in the head as well. However there is nothing to worry about that happening. If Yawar Saeed can be the manager till the year 3000, why should the cricketers think about A – Apple, B – Bat, C – Cot?
I think the biggest mistake I made was to 'read and write' because it has done me no good. I have never been recruited by the ISI, CIA, M5 or IB although I have made no secret of my desire to be with the boyz. I have never won an election and never managed to default a bank.
A failure in more ways than you can count – I assume there still are some people who can count. Many summers back, a friend of my late brother, called Ezo Massey sauntered into his room in
The writer is a Lahore-based columnist. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org